I feel that you are the only person I can speak with right now. I am 74 years old and have been married to my husband for almost 30 years. We have three children between us — a daughter and a son from his previous marriage and my son, who my husband adopted. My son does not have a relationship with my ex-husband.
We do not have a relationship with my husband’s daughter, and we have written her out of our wills. We currently have a net worth of about $7 million, and it’s growing every year through investments. My husband is amazing with money; however, he would rather save it than spend it. This can be hard for me.
We have helped the two children we have relationships with: The eldest son (his biological son) is amassing money and yet he would rather spend our money than his own, and the youngest son is very bad with money. We have given him more than $250,000 over the years to help him out of bad situations financially.
‘My husband has divided our wealth between the two boys.’
We spent hours with attorneys and drew up our wills and all the other documents that wealthy people usually do. My husband has divided our wealth between the two boys. His son and his wife are not good to us. We rarely see them and they never offer to help us with anything. They may think there is a big windfall coming, but I don’t want to give them anything.
I am also very conflicted about how much to give the youngest one. He is going through a divorce now and his soon-to-be-ex doesn’t believe in sending their two children to school, so who knows what their future is going to be like? We did make a provision to mete out his money over a number of years, which I am OK with.
How do I approach my husband with my decision to cut his son out of my share of our money? He won’t take it well and I don’t blame him, but it kills me to think that they will inherit so much. Two are not my biological children, although I adopted his son. I feel that he cares for us and will benefit greatly from some money, and yet I don’t feel comfortable giving him millions.
The attorneys said that we don’t just have money, we have generational wealth, but I feel burdened by it. This money is not bringing me a lot of happiness. At times, I have to twist my husband’s arm to spend a little. He loves saving the pennies and watching the millions grow. I ask myself: What would be the best course of action for me?
What would make me happy? I think maybe some kind of foundation, charity etc., but I have no clue what, where, how etc.
I know that your wisdom will help me.
Mother of Three
Dear Mother,
Wisdom is a mercurial concept that starts off with a man on a mountain and ends up as an Internet meme of Yoda and SpongeBob SquarePants. But not even I, or those three figures, could tell you the “correct” thing to do. The ultimate wisdom and insight will come from maintaining an open heart and open lines of communication with your husband. That may, or may not, also include an open wallet.
As an outsider, perhaps I can offer a smidgeon of clarity and objectivity. You are facing two separate, but singularly important, dilemmas: You wrestle with the prudence of giving your three children millions of dollars to do with what they please and, secondly, what the impact of such a large amount of money might have on them given the choices they made in life.
First, would your kids have made different choices if they had no inheritance? Would your husband’s son be as wealthy as he is if he had not started his life on second or third base, taking into account his education, social network and early childhood? Maybe, maybe not. What we do know: If you didn’t have loot for him to spend, he wouldn’t be spending it.
Second, I disagree with your attorneys’ view of your first-world predicament. Calling it “generational wealth” assumes that you have a duty and responsibility to pass it down to the next generation as a birthright, regardless of whether you (a) believe it will affect your kids in a positive manner and (b) are comfortable handing down such a large sum.
Third, your children have no entitlement to one red cent. It’s your money. You earned it and you have already given them a good start in life. There comes a point where they must seek their fortunes and find happiness in life on their own terms. A $7 million fortune does not mean that your children should receive a lifetime supply of proverbial Easter eggs.
Three children, three lives
You have, at least, come to an agreement on your husband’s daughter. Her lifestyle — be it the result of addiction or personal choices or a combination of both — and your estrangement have ruled her out of the generational-wealth game. You don’t want to enable her by giving her millions of dollars, and your relationship with her appears to be irrevocably broken.
You are not under any obligation to give your other children anything. Your husband’s son, who has built wealth of his own, will receive more money than most Americans will earn in their lifetime. Your husband will, of course, have a response to your decision not to leave his son a portion of your estate. He may be upset. He may take it personally. That’s OK.
So where does this leave you? Actually, in a pretty good place. You have a lot of agency and, I hope, a newfound feeling of freedom and empowerment. If your husband’s son does not treat you well, the answer is in your question. Your husband is free to do what he chooses with his money, and it’s not your job to tell him what he should do. Offer your perspective, and leave it at that.
Your biological son, who your husband adopted, is making his way in the world, even if you don’t approve of his soon-to-be ex-wife homeschooling their kids. You are not comfortable giving such a large amount of money to one child. Given that, you could leave him a more modest amount — enough to pay off his mortgage, for instance — or set up a trust or 529 plans for his kids.
You have now been given a rare opportunity: endless opportunities. You can choose to see these as a spaghetti junction or an inviting road ahead. This should be the most exciting part of your life. What have you always wanted to do? Set up a charity for senior dogs and cats, play bridge, buy a new car, renovate your home, learn how to sail? My advice: Be of service to the world and enjoy your life.
Time is the only equalizer, and no amount of money — $7 million or $70 million — will change that.
The Moneyist regrets he cannot respond to letters individually.
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